In the broad daylight

I’m here at the end of the day and I realize that I’m alone, but for the first time in a long long  time, I’m ok. I’m ok with it and to be fair, I’m not really alone. My wonderful fiance is sleeping in the next room, the cat is milling about. 

I just sit down and realize that whew, well. There isn’t something I need to do at this instant. There is no one I should be talking to. Waiting to hear from. 

I’m getting better and I described this feeling to my friend last night as feeling the veil lift. That its a good feeling to not be in my pajamas when my fiance comes home at the end of the day. I’m pulling it together. I get dressed. I no longer feel that I am hanging from the edge of a cliff and my fingernails are ripping out. 

But yet I sit here and feel that I am alone. As close as my friends are, when you loose your family, there is a hole that can’t truly ever be filled. 

Its ok to be alone. Its ok to be silent. Its true we never stop learning. 

Oh hello insomnia. With the crazy schedule I’ve been keeping I almost forgot you. Not sleeping at 6:30am is so very different then waking up at 3am ready to throw up toxic bile. Ahhh insomnia my old friend.

We go back a long way you and me.  

From what my mom says, and this was when she seemed to have it together, but really who knows, we were acquainted from a young age. She said she would have to hold me in bed or I would be up running around. 

I’ve always thought that maybe some people just have a different rhythm. Different animals keep different sleeping patterns. There are dozens of species that are nocturnal so why not people. There seems to be some people that are like bears and like a lot of sleep and then others more like me that seem to function on less. Giraffes for example only sleep 3-4 hours. Which seems to be what my body is getting used to. Well closer to 4-6.

I went for about a year once only sleeping 4 hours a night. It started to cause me to fall asleep and hallucinate. Er well dream, but while I should have been awake. At any rate it wasn’t ideal. So now when the insomnia haunts me, I get nervous.

But alas, there are many things on my mind and my sleeping mind is getting it all mixed up. Sometimes I’m afraid to sleep because I’m afraid of the interpretation from my subconscious. Or worse to say something in my sleep that can’t be explained.

It is my goal and my dream to live a simple and satisfied life. So why the tormenting thoughts. Why can’t I be satisfied with the decisions I make. Why when I put the past away does the future creep in to take its place with unanswered questions. 

Sleep baby, sleep. 

Beginnings & endings. Both are hard. Maybe its instinctual, I’ve seen children that struggle to leave one place to go to the next. From home to daycare or from the daycare to home. Most of us have had the feeling of anxiety that comes with leaving one place to go to the next, even if the new place or thing is one of our own choosing.

There are times that we don’t even recognize the transition, those beginnings and endings are smooth and much easier then a hard stop and jerky beginning. 

But the others, the endings that shock us, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or the end of a relationship. These are the ones that stress our nervous systems and can shake us to the core. We can feel lost by the ending of something that helped us identify who we are. 

So how do we deal, how do we cope? Life moves forward with or without us. So we must try to keep busy and while recognizing the feelings learn to live with them. Learn to see ourselves differently in our new existence. 

And of course with every ending comes possibilities for new beginnings.  

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.
T. S. Eliot

Oh wow, I’m just sitting here and I can feel that I am vibrating. If you know anything about cells or the vibrational universe you may not find this shocking. But to me, well its a little off. Although not entirely concerning, I have had this feeling before after a long nights of working at a bar in a previous lifetime. Not able to sleep still feeling the ringing in my ears and the pounding in my chest and head. But this is a little different. 

Lack of sleep induced I am sure, I am sitting here feeling the vibration of my body, especially in my tongue and toes, souls of my feet or is that pins and needles? 

hmmmm, not a bad feeling, just strange. Like maybe its time to lie down. I feel like something strange is happening to me lately. I haven’t mentioned yet that I see vibrations and occasionally electricity and auras. I don’t understand it, but it doesn’t mean that its not happening.

I have spent years fighting off misunderstood feelings and learning to control my reactions to the energy around me. I have to be careful. I am very sensitive to other peoples energy. Its something that I’m still working at. More on that later. Right now I think its time to lie down.